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Schadenpenis May 23, 2008

Posted by Mitch in General, Life in Japan.
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I’m just back from kindergarten and I feel violated. Never before has my penis been the object of so much anger and violence. I arrived a little earlier than expected, just so I could get some time in with the kids before my lesson at 10am. The moment the kids saw me they just went mental and started screaming and running around. Most of them eyed me warily to begin with, but once I had picked up one little punk and dangled him upside down for a little bit, they seemed to warm to me a bit. However, the fact that I was able to incapacitate them by picking them up/making them do whatever I wanted, this seemed to open the floodgates of Mitchell-based abuse. It started off with them trying to kancho me. Kancho, if I haven’t explained in previous posts, is the Japanese word for enema and it involves the kids trying to stick their fingers up your ass. I don’t know why they get so much pleasure from trying to do it, but I can safely say that my ass has never warranted so much attention. Ever.

This one little kid was constantly trying to pinch me and when he did, it was actually quite painful. As I was rubbing my bruised arm after another vicious attack, I thought of what had happened a long time ago. When my brother and I were little, we once pushed our way into the bathroom whilst my mum was trying to get some alone time whilst taking a dip. In came the dog as well and started to lick her face. When he got a little too zealous and bit her nose, it was the last straw and my mum grabbed the dog’s snout and bit him back. He never tried to bite anyone again.

I thought of this when the little kid refused to heed my warnings and my stern tellings off. So I reached out and pinched him. Hard. It didn’t seem to phase him that much, but whenever he pinched me again, he would get a harder one in return. He soon left me alone and I feel that maybe I taught him a lesson: Don’t piss someone off who’s 10 times your size.

So the onslaught of attacks on my penis began pretty much after my lesson finished. We played card games and ran around a lot and there was quite a bit of screaming, but I figure that it’s kindergarten, so if they aren’t running around and generally wrecking the place, then I’m not doing my job right. This first kid ran at me and headbutted me right in the crotch. Luckily, he was kind of small and so didn’t do much damage, but this illicited cries of “Chin-chin! Chin-chin!” (roughly translated as “Willy! Willy!”) which then led to more attempts to disable me. They tried headbutting me, grabbing me, poking me, throwing beanbags at me etc. But, when I say “at me”, I actually mean “at a certain part of me”. Them having small wrists and being kind of slow, I was able to deflect a lot of incoming fists and apparatus, but some really hit home. In the end, I just went and sat down and they all tired of me until I stood up again.

Then they climbed on me. This is pretty normal and I can deal with that. But, when one girl grabbed onto my t-shirt for the seventy-eighth time and I heard a sad ripping sound, I pulled her off me and left her to figure out that she’d pissed me off. So she hit me. She almost ripped the shirt off my back, but I was the one to blame. I got into the habit of just leaving them and going elsewhere. I knew if I didn’t, I was going to throw the big Thomas the Tank Engine toy at them and get asked to leave.

That said, I still had an amazing day and, even though I can’t really speak with the kids, when I’m drawing with them or playing games with them, you don’t need to talk. There’s an innate desire in them to communicate and so language is no issue. You just find a way. In fact, that’s been a lot of my time here – learning how to communicate without opening my mouth. It’s surprising how much you can understand just through gestures, facial expressions and someone constantly trying to punch you right in the testes.

Till next time!

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